Stranger Than Fiction
by Sovereign State
Summary: With the cancellation of his "Sogyo no Okotowari" series, Captain Ukitake has to find another way to support his seven siblings. His publisher suggests writing adult literature for a quick buck - but how will a painfully virginal Jyuushiro pull that off?
1. Chapter 1

_**A/N:** I came up with this idea a while back, and thought it had the potential to be hilarious and of course, allow me to write smut! Yay smut!  
I do not own Bleach.  
_

_This story will have smaller chapters so I can post updates more frequently. At least that's the plan._

_**Warnings:** This fiction will contain one of more of the following - **Adult situations**, **eventual graphic porn**, **bad shoujo manga**, **angry Nanaos, virginal Jyuushiros**, and **scheming Shunsuis**. If you are bothered by any of this, please hit your "back" button now._

***SS***

**_According to Wikipedia, not only is Jyuushiro is a minor noble who supports his seven brothers and sisters single-handedly; he also writes children's books. I just wondered what he would do when the purse strings got tight after the war._**

***SS***

**Prologue**

Jyuushiro looked down at the meager royalty check sitting on his publisher's desk and sighed. This past year sales were way down and these checks were not stretching as far as they used to. He was going to have to find another income to support his family since the Captain-Commander had already given him a raise three months ago.

He glanced up at Ryo, his publisher, and mentally cringed. Really, the man made Shunsui look like a class act. He was overweight, balding, reeked of sake, and was sweating profusely leaving stains that ran out from under his arms. All over his office walls there were photos of women in various stages of undress, and his desk held not two but three overflowing ashtrays. Ukitake fought the urge to cough from the smell of the stale cigarettes. His eyes were already watering.

"Captain Ukitake," Ryo wheezed, "I'm afraid that Sun Publishing is going to have to drop the _Sogyo no Okotowari _line. You have not been recouping its cost for months now."

Jyuushiro sucked in a breath. When Ryo called him in for an urgent meeting stating he had bad news, he thought it was just poor sales again. He was not expecting the news to be this bad. He slapped on his best smile. "Ryo, come on now. Sales have just been down because everyone is rebuilding after the war and there's a recession. There is no need to act rashly. it will pick up again just as soon as everyone has rebuilt."

Ryo shook his head. "That's just it, during a recession the only thing that sells well is vice. I've seen the damage around Soul Society, and this is not going to end anytime soon. People are going out of business because they can't afford to make repairs to their buildings. If I continue pouring money into children's books that don't sell, I'll be closing up shop too."

Desperation snaked its way into Jyuu's heart. "Maybe there is a way I can breathe new life into the books, will you extend my contract for another year? We've been doing business for ages; I don't even need the advance this time." It wasn't only about the money, he had been writing _Sogyo no Okotowari _for nearly two centuries_._ The books were a part of him._  
_

Ryo opened his desk drawer, and rummaged around inside. "I'm afraid not Captain, Sun publishing is switching over to an entirely adult format. Let me put it this way, here is the royalty check my new romance author Yue is bringing in with his new serial."

He held the check out in front of Jyuu's nose so he could see it clearly. His eyes rounded. "That's a lot of zeros…" he breathed.

Ryo put the check back into his drawer. "Indeed. Please also take into account that Yue is also an unknown. This is just from his first book. Captain, you are the number two most eligible shinigami bachelor as voted by the Women's Association behind Captain Kuchiki. If you moved on to adult literature, I'm sure that it would fly off the shelves."

***SS***

Jyuushiro stood on the street outside his publisher's office with his mind in a haze. Why in the seven hells did he agree to write adult oriented literature? Oh right, the enormous checks. But like any good captain, Jyuu now realized he was in way over his head. Due to his illness and other circumstances, he had never even been intimate with anyone before. He sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose; he needed to talk to Shunsui right away.

***SS***

_(Sorry for the tease, but this will not be updated for another week. I have to finish Ginger Snaps first, otherwise some Ukitake fans just might have my head.)_


	2. Chapter 2

_**A/N:** I came up with this idea a while back, and thought it had the potential to be hilarious and of course, allow me to write smut! Yay smut!  
I do not own Bleach.  
_

_This story will have smaller chapters so I can post updates more frequently. At least that's the plan._

_**Warnings:** This fiction will contain one or more of the following - **adult situations**, **eventual graphic porn**, **bad shoujo manga**, **angry Nanaos**,** virginal Jyuushiros**, and** scheming Shunsuis**. If you are bothered by any of this, please hit your "back" button now._

***SS***

Jyuushiro took his time getting back to Seireitei, wandering though the back streets of the Rukon district and occasionally stopping at a vendors stall to look at the wares with lifeless eyes. He was emotionally drained from his meeting with Ryo and he was losing something that he considered a piece of his spirit for so long.

Sure, he might be able to take "Sogyo no Okotowari" to another publisher for the time being, but he knew that if he got an advance, it would be miniscule, and with the recession he might not be able to get royalties at all. It was best to let Sogyo be until things picked up again.

When he arrived back in Seireitei, Jyuu expanded his senses to find Shunsui. He needed to discuss his other problem, the agreement he foolishly signed in regards to the adult literature. He was disappointed in himself too, as a captain of the Goeti 13 he knew better than to act rashly, but the minute his emotions got strained, all coherent thought flew out the window. Like it always did.

He sighed and tried to locate Shunsui again to no avail. He was hiding again, but Nanao was in the library and she had Kyoraku-radar. He smiled. Even if Shunsui was slacking off in a room made of Seki Seki Stone, Nanao could still find him. She was good like that.

With that last thought, Jyuu started heading toward the library. He could ask Nanao where Shunsui was, and he could check out some – he suppressed a shudder – romance books to see what he was up against.

***SS***

Nanao tried to adjust herself in the uncomfortable wooden chair again. She was reading one of the Heian-era copies of _"The Tale of Genji" _and there was no way in hell the library was going to allow her anywhere more comfortable to sit, lest she ruin the delicate scrollwork. While she technically could pick up one of the newer adaptations from the shelves out front and be allowed to take the book home, there was just something better about reading the old works without the modern slang thrown in. She didn't want her ancient smutty literature dumbed down.

She was about to get to her absolute favorite part, complete with a Shunga woodblock depicting the scene. A woman had cruelly rejected Genji's advances, so he instead decided to sleep with her young attractive brother…

"Hello Nanao! Do you know where Shunsui is?"

A figurative bucket of cold water was thrown over her head. Nanao scowled, counted backwards from ten, tried not to crinkle the edges of the scroll in a fit, and thought about her options. If she kido'd the hell out of Captain Ukitake she could possibly be arrested for treason and never allowed in the library again. It was almost worth the risk. Almost.

Instead she settled for answering any questions he might have quickly and glaring small daggers at the clueless captain. Maybe, just maybe, he would get the message he was interrupting and she could go back to her historical yaoi session. That was wishful thinking. Ukitake was, if anything, ridiculously oblivious at times.

"Hello Captain Ukitake. Captain Kyoraku is at the first division for a budgetary meeting." She adjusted her glasses, "It seems that the Captain-Commander has noticed a discrepancy with 27-a, the entertainment form. Needless to say, he will be held up for some time."

"He drank all the entertainment money again, didn't he?" Ukitake pulled out a chair and sat down across from her.

Just her luck, he wasn't going to leave right away. She settled on an inaudible sigh. "Of course he did. Is there something you need help with?" He was looking uncomfortable about something.

"Yes, I suppose I do need some help. Can you recommend any good romance novels or literature of an adult nature?"

Nanao blinked, mentally shook her head, and blinked again. Was Captain Ukitake asking her to recommend smut? This is wrong; he should be in the children's section looking at picture books. There was so much wrongness with this situation, Ukitake should not, under any circumstances, ever be asking anyone about anything adult natured.

Buying time while pretending to think of good books, she pondered how the hell she was going to get out of this situation. Flash stepping away would not only be rude, but if she didn't put the scroll back perfectly she could be banned from reading it again. Not worth taking her chances. She decided that she was going to have to answer his question if she ever wanted to get a moments peace. What would be a good way to introduce romance to a man that still uses coloring books?

"You could try shoujo manga section up front, it's a good primer before you get into the more adult romance titles. They have pictures."

***SS***

_A/N: Reviews motivate me to continue. Hint, hint. ;)_


	3. Chapter 3

_**A/N:** Okay, I realize that I'm writing Jyuu ridiculously innocent. For this story I think of him as an child's spirit (not unlike his Zanpakuto) in an adult's body - and that spirit is now being forced to grow up very suddenly and (if I can help it) super awkwardly. When I first started thinking about this fic, I had considered not having him that innocent at all and forcing him to work in a brothel or as a gigolo - but that would have gotten old pretty fast, had too many OCs, and just been tedious to write. Don't know about you guys, but I like my Ukitakes funny and flustered. Besides, I'm making plans for his eventual deflowering. *cackles maniacally*_

_I would also like to thank Brendabond for helping me beta this - yay Bren! You should check out her Ukitake/Orihime story "Apperception".  
_

_I do not own Bleach. If I did, doing my taxes would be an even bigger pain in the ass._

_**Warnings:** Terrible shoujo manga and adult situations._

***SS***

Jyuushiro checked out three of those shoujo manga books Nanao had recommended from the library. The librarian looked at him oddly, but he was used to that from when he went in for his coloring books. Sogyo no Kotowari just loved looking at the pictures and suggesting which colors to use. He smiled. They were so cute.

Later that evening he poured himself some plum wine and hunkered down at Ugendo to learn all he could about how to write romance. The first thing he was surprised by was that the women in these books were virtually clueless. That was odd; he dealt with women all the time in the Gotei ranks and he never found them to be incompetent.

He also noted that all of the story lines were about the same. The boy asked the girl out to dinner. They kiss on the doorstep. Later the girl sees the guy talking to another girl and goes home to cry. They break up. Boy shows up at girls house and they talk about their relationship. A misunderstanding comes to light. The boy and girl kiss again and then wind up lying together naked while holding hands. Sparkles or feathers appear while someone recites poorly written poetry. Both parties either have "mind blowing orgasms" or "earth shattering orgasms", but the mechanics of these orgasms are not explained.

Looking at the pictures in these books, the whole "making love" thing looked like an unusual way to achieve shikai, and he doubted that Shunsui would be chasing women incessantly just to do something that resembled a fancy kido spell.

As he got ready for bed that night, he couldn't help feeling like he was missing something big.

***SS***

Jyuushiro sighed and looked at the clock again. It was nearly noon, and Shunsui should technically be in the office by this time. By his estimation, Jyuu had about an hour to reach him before he would disappear to slack off and drink.

Unfortunately, when Jyuu reached the Eighth, Shunsui was still nowhere to be found.

Nanao glanced up from the paperwork she was currently working on. "The Captain-Commander was more upset about 27-a and the lack of signed reports than Captain Kyoraku originally thought. He's in the Fourth, but he will be released shortly. Captain Unohana was put under orders to only release him to me," Nanao stated. "Actually, I should head over there now to pick him up. He is also under orders to not to leave this office until the backlog of signed reports has been taken care of. He's going to be in a bad mood, but you can wait if you want."

"I need to speak to him urgently, so I'll wait." He replied.

Nanao got up and Jyuu was left to survey the office alone until she got back. There wasn't much to see really, just stacks upon stacks of paperwork that Shunsui no doubt dumped on the poor woman, and a pile of sake bottles that needed to go out in the trash. Shaking his head at the state of Nanao's desk, he noticed that she was reading a shoujo manga book as well! He checked to see if she was coming back, and when he deemed the coast was clear, plucked the book from her open bag.

The book itself was purple and flowery, but there was something strange about the couple on the front. They both had shorter hair and were dressed very strangely in tight clothes. Since Nanao was reading this manga, it must be one of the better ones since she only reads the best in literature. She wouldn't mind if he borrowed it, right? Jyuu glanced around once more and slid the book into his sleeve before leaving.

***SS***

"Permission to speak freely Captain?" Nanao asked while supporting her captain on her shoulder.

"You don't need permission from me, my sweet Nanao" Shunsui purred in her ear and hugged her closer.

"You are an idiot if you think that the Captain-Commander isn't going to notice that this is the THIRD time you've done this. I'm glad he broke your leg!"

"Oh my sweet Nanao, so cruel! I thought you looked up to me!" Shunsui pouted.

"I only reason I look up to you is because you're taller than me." Nanao scowled, "Also, Captain Ukitake has been looking for you for two days. He says it's an emergency, and honestly I'm surprised he's not still here."

"Get me over to my desk, place the sheets in front of me, and put a pen in my hand. I'll deal with Jyuu when I'm done."

Nanao grabbed the nearly toppling stack of papers off of her desk and relocated them right in front of her captain. She then grabbed four pens, and tested them all before handing them over. She did not want to hear that he couldn't do the paperwork because the pen wouldn't write or he had dropped it.

"I'm heading out for my lunch break now" Nanao said, reaching into her bag to grab her book, only to find it wasn't there. Shit. She must have left it at home. While she was glad to get away from her currently disabled captain, she really wanted to get her daily fix of hot and sticky man sex.

***SS***

Back at Ugendo that evening, Jyuushiro pulled out his pilfered book and began to skim the pages.

The story was about a couple named Steve and Bobby. Hm…those were odd names that Jyuu had never heard of before. He shrugged and continued reading. Steve and Bobby were hanging out and playing something called baseball. The clothes they wore were strange, and Bobby certainly reminded him of Kiyone. Bobby asked Steve to a place called "the movies", where they kissed in the dark and Steve got all upset. Later Bobby puts on an apron and cooks dinner for Steve. They start kissing again, and Steve says he's ready to take things to the next level, whatever that was…

Jyuushiro let out a startled shriek and threw the book to the floor, jumped up on the couch, and stared at it like it was going to bite.

"BOBBY IS A MAN!" A small voice in the back of his head wondered if Steve was aware of this.

***SS***

**_Reviews are awesome and motivate me to write more._**


	4. Chapter 4

_**A/N**__: I apologize for the lack of updates, writing the past three chapters of Ginger Snaps just about killed me. After that lemon, I almost swore to never write porn again. Almost. _

_I would like to thank my FABULOUS beta Brendabond for getting this back to me so quickly. You should check out her story "Apperception", it will give you the warm fuzzies and make you wish Ukitake was your boyfriend._

_Just checked my bank account, and now I'm sure that I do not own Bleach._

_**Warnings:**__** Adult situations**__, __**clueless Jyuushiros, irritated Nanaos**__, and __**Shunsui being well… Shunsui.**_

***SS***

Jyuushiro woke up late the following morning after spending part of the evening fighting temptation. He finally gave in around 11pm, and yes, Steve was aware that Bobby was male. From looking at the pictures, he seemed to be quite happy about it. In fact, Steve was ecstatic about it.

Looking at the graphic drawings made him feel extremely warm, slightly exhilarated, and very, very confused. Jyuu wasn't sure how to look at the whole situation, as he had been in bathhouses countless times, and he had never had any of those feelings while seeing the nude bodies there. But the things that Steve and Bobby were doing in those drawings were completely different than anything he had seen before. They were not enough to make his penis quicken like when he was a boy, but it was close. He grimaced and tried to banish those ancient memories as he made his way toward the Eighth division.

He had heard about some shinigami preferring the same sex, but it was never openly spoken about due to the conservative nature of the Goeti 13. In fact, he was pretty sure, no wait; he was positive that Yumichika from squad eleven, and Kira from squad three both preferred men. The thought narrowed his eyes; there had been some talk on Captain Kuchiki as well.

Jyuu shook his head mentally. None of this explained why on earth Nanao had this book. Why would she read about an intimate relationship between two guys? Why would she care? Actually a better question is how on earth is he going to sneak that book back into her possession? Normally he would have apologized for taking the book and discuss how great it was with a pile of candy and an offer of tea. But that wasn't going to be happening. Honestly, it's probably for the best if he just burned it. It would keep the awkward questions at bay. Yes, that manga would be torched at the first opportunity he got…right after he read it once more.

Upon arriving at the Eighth he was shocked to not only find Shunsui there, but also sitting at his desk doing paperwork. Jyuu lightly pinched himself to insure he was not dreaming. He wasn't, and as he came around the corner he saw exactly why Shunsui at his desk for a change. His leg was in a cast.

"Shun, er…what happened?"

"The old man was upset about my slight budget discrepancies, and the lack of paperwork getting signed off on." He smiled wryly, "He only insured that I would get caught up"

"Ouch." Jyuu shook his head, "It's your own fault you know…"

"Bah, whatever. Nanao said that you've been looking for me for the past few days and that it was an emergency. What's going on?"

Jyuu sat down and looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. "Sogyo no Okotowari was cancelled, and I may have gotten in over my head by agreeing to write…" he lowered his voice to whisper, "adult oriented literature."

_~~ 15 minutes later ~~_

"You can stop laughing now. It's not funny."

"I disagree! It's hilarious! Your sleazy publisher roped you into writing porn, and then you asked Nanao to help pick out smut? A-and she directed you to read shoujo manga?" Shunsui wiped tears from his eyes, "That stuff is for awkward teenage girls! They don't even show anything good."

"Will you keep it down? I don't want all of Soul Society finding out about my predicament." He looked around the corner, "Where is Nanao anyhow?"

"Oh relax already, she had some kind of Women's Association meeting and won't be back for a while."

"Well, what do you suggest I do? I have to earn the extra cash, and I have no idea what I'm doing. I've never, well you know…" Jyuu gestured limply at himself.

"What do I suggest? Other than telling your able-bodied family to get off their asses and get jobs?"

Jyuu grit his teeth. "Yes. Other than that."

Shunsui rolled his eyes and sighed. "You're really serious about this? This is what you want to do? There are no other options?"

Jyuushiro nodded solemnly. "I signed the contract, and took an advance. If I go back on my end of the deal, Ryo can, and probably will sue me."

"Fine, I can help you out. Go into the cabinet over there and pull out the plastic box. Grab the cords too."

He did as he was told and placed it on the coffee table. "What is this?"

"Nanao had the twelfth set up a clip player so we can play training videos. But I've modified it a bit for my own uses." He grinned, "Plug it in and pass it over here."

Jyuu did as he was told and sat for a few minutes while Shunsui fiddled with the player and typed in things. Finally he turned back toward him with a smile that could only be described as terrifying. "Now, you're sure you want me to show you this Jyuu?"

"Yes. I'm sure. Um, what are you showing me exactly?"

"Well, I just threw together a run of my favorite clips, they will help you on the subject of sex. It's graphic stuff, so this is your last chance to back out."

"I can't back out Shunsui, I have to learn this nonsense. Maybe I'll even understand why the hell everyone chases after it so much. Besides, I've been a captain of the Goeti 13 for over 600 years, I think I've seen graphic before."

***SS***

Nanao arrived back at the office irritable and exhausted after a four hour-long SWA meeting to discuss the latest romance novel by the author Yue. Honestly, the damn thing only needed to be an hour, but someone gave Yachiru all her candy at the beginning of the meeting instead of spreading it out over time. It took far too long to pry the pink ball of terror from the ceiling. Then there was the issue of the book itself. She didn't understand the brouhaha. Sure, the main character is a ridiculously good-looking nobleman, but most of the sex was beyond dull. She was glad Yue was a pen name, because otherwise she would be tempted to hunt this person down, tape their eyelids open, and force them to read real smut. I mean really, there was no oral sex throughout the entire book. If it were up to her the novel wouldn't even have been discussed, because boring sex does not work toward to the improvement of all shinigami.

Upon arriving back in the Eighth, she glanced into Captain Kyoraku's office and did her usual mental checklist. With Kyoraku as a captain, you can never be too careful. She shuddered when she thought about the time he acquired donkeys from the real world after binge drinking for two days. That was a mess to clean up.

Empty bottles of sake in the corner – check.

Mountains of unsigned paperwork – check.

Drunken sleeping captain – check.

Another smaller pile of signed paperwork – check.

The Eighth's clip player out and running – check.

Captain Ukitake catatonic and in a fetal position on the couch – check.

Nanao sighed and adjusted her glasses; it was going to be one of those days.

***SS***

_**A/N:**__ Don't get your hopes up, this is a Nanao/Ukitake pairing. No threesomes in this one. Sorry! Please be kind and review, I accept even anonymous ones. _

_**Up next:**__ Shunsui has a master plan for Jyuushiro's "education"._


	5. Chapter 5

_**A/N**__: I will be on vacation for 10 days in the beginning of September visiting my parents, and I will not be updating during this time. Writing "erotic literature" at my mom's house? Yeah, not going to happen. _

_I do not own Bleach; if I did Ashido would have made it to the manga as he had great character potential. As always – a thank you to my beta Brendabond!_

_**Warnings:**__** Adult situations**__ and__** language, pissed Nanaos, catatonic Jyuushiros**__, and __**scheming Shunsuis**__._

***SS***

Nanao grit her teeth, grabbed her fan, and stormed into her sleeping Captain's office to get to the bottom of what the hell was going on. The clip player's volume was turned up to the max, and all that could be heard in the room was the sound of slapping skin, panting, and Captain Kyoraku's snoring.

Captain Ukitake didn't even acknowledge her presence as she walked up to him; he was lying on his side, gripping a pillow tightly, and staring at the screen with wide eyes while biting his lip.

"_Oh fuck me…fuck me harder!"_

Sparing a glance at the clip player that was only supposed to be used for training videos, the very same one she had to fill out three hundred and twenty two pages of paperwork for, she got an eyeful of shaved ladybits, and a hand slapping an ass.

Oh, she was beyond pissed now. Her gods-be-damned lecher Captain screwed with the machine and was having a porn viewing during business hours. Honestly, days like today she wished, prayed that Seireitei would get a fucking sexual harassment policy. Really now, this is the stuff the Women's Association should be dealing with, not shitty romance novels.

"_You slutty bitch! You love cock don't you?"_

Thankful to the Captain-Commander for breaking her Captain's leg, lest he wanted to run in fear, she removed her glasses and hit him with her fan…hard. He startled and looked up at her with fear filled eyes. "My sweet Nanao, back so soon?"

"_Yes, yes! I'm a slutty little whore who loves cock!"_

"Captain, what…" she gestured toward the couch, "the hell is that?"

"That's my oldest friend Jyuushiro, we've known each other since…"

He didn't get to finish as another crack from the fan hit him on the side of the face. "No, what the hell is going on? Why are you showing Captain Ukitake porn?"

Glancing over at his best friend, Shunsui decided that when dealing with an angry, non-glasses wearing Nanao, honesty is probably the best policy otherwise he might get hurt – bad. Jyuushiro didn't look like he was up to acknowledging anything that was going on. He leaned in a little closer to her, "You know those kids books Jyuu was writing?"

"_Yes! Yes! Harder! Harder!"_

She shot him a deadpan look, "What the hell does that have to do with him watching porn on your couch?"

"I'm getting to that. His publisher cancelled the series, and pressured him into signing a contract to write smut."

"How…"

Shunsui held up his hand, "Hold on, here's something you don't know. Jyuu over there has been supporting his entire family for years, and he needs the money from the book sales desperately to continue to support them. His publisher is convinced that because he was voted Seireitei's number two bachelor by the Women's Association, that his adult work would fly off the shelves." He continued, "The only problem is that Jyuu's emotional growth in some areas as been a bit, ah…stunted."

"_That's it, suck your juices off…"_

"So this is your bizarre way of helping. What next, taking him to hookers?"

"Well, I thought about that, but since Jyuu needs the money I was thinking about taking him to the red light district and renting a window under the name Yuki."

Nanao was shocked; he was going to pimp out Captain Ukitake? "You can't be serious."

Shunsui shrugged. "He's a good looking guy. It will get him the experience, he will make some money, and he can decide if he likes men or women. I honestly have no idea if he's even straight."

Nanao's face paled. "You're joking. You have got to be joking. You're his best friend!"

"_Mmmmm…you suck dick so good! Bend over for me like a good little slut."_

"That's why I'm doing this, he has to learn, and what better way than to throw him into the deep end of the onsen?"

"Deep end of the onsen? You are throwing him to the sharks! Can you not see the absolute wrongness of this?"

Nanao ground her teeth and seethed when she looked at her Captain's raised eyebrows and oblivious expression. He is really un-fucking-believable sometimes. Even though Captain Ukitake can be childishly annoying, he really doesn't deserve to be whored out to some old dried up vultures or sick perverts for his first experiences. Good Gods, he's a captain of the Goeti 13, Soul Society's number two bachelor, and his trading cards sell out every time they are in the Seireitei Communication! He is worthy of better – much, much better.

"_Oh please! Stop teasing me! Put it in my ass! Fuck me in the ass!"_

A strangled whine from the direction of the sofa brought Nanao out of her thoughts. Ukitake was now sitting up, choking the life out of his pillow, and starting at the screen with his face a mask of wide-eyed terror. It was then that she made her decision. It was her job – no her duty – as the vice president of the Shinigami Women's Association to insure the betterment of all shinigami. And helping their number two bachelor get over his apparent newly developed fear of lady parts and write decent erotica would be beneficial for all of Seireitei. Really it would. Yes, that's exactly why she smacked her captain one last time for good measure and hauled Ukitake out of the office by the back of his haori.

"You are not going to bring him to the red light district, and for gods sakes don't show him any more porn. I…I'll figure out a way to handle this."

***SS***

After watching Nanao unceremoniously drag a shell-shocked Jyuushiro out of his office, Shunsui used his good foot to turn the still playing clip screen toward himself while pouring some sake. Well, he might have gone a bit overboard with his performance, but it was really the only way to get Nanao to do what he wanted. Taking a long draw from his cup, he mentally patted himself on the back. He was always meant to be a bachelor, but Jyuu really needed a good woman to take care of him – and who better than his dear sweet Nanao? And to be honest, he wouldn't trust any other man to touch his favorite vice captain.

***SS***

_A/N: Reviews, both positive and negative inspire me to improve and keep writing. _


	6. Chapter 6

_**A/N:** I'm hung over and jetlagged, but I still love you guys enough to post a new chapter! Thank you to Brendabond for putting up with my abuse of the English language – and everyone should check out her story "Apperception". (I beta it!)_

_I do not own Bleach; if I did everyone would be too busy making out to battle an overly talkative butterfly Aizen._

_**Warnings**: **Adult situations**, **Jyuu meltdowns**, and one **angry Nanao**._

***SS***

Jyuushiro stumbled backwards through Soul Society and held the pillow from Shunsui's couch tightly to his groin. His body was feeling warm all over, he was mildly perspiring, his penis had quickened, and his mind was a jumbled disaster.

The shoujo manga Nanao had recommended, or at least the ones with female characters, had never showed sex like that! The woman was always panting, and she only said things like "oooh" and "ahhh" while the male hugged her. Then there were orgasms, and pretty flowers rained down while someone thought up or read bad poetry.

But in the clips Shunsui showed him, good gods, the women looked like they were being tortured. Jyuu couldn't understand how they were begging for more instead of crying out in pain. Surely, having something that large being crammed in between your legs had to be agonizing. Clutching the pillow closer to himself, he thought about the woman in the second scene screeching embarrassingly when the man on screen withdrew his penis from her, uh…vagina while simultaneously begging for him to put it back in. Was this how sex was? Was it that vulgar? Are all women that wanton? His lungs would probably seize up if that ever happened in front of him. And that last clip, oh gods the last clip - sure, that was done with men in the shoujo manga that he had "borrowed" from Nanao, but really, wasn't it dirty back there? He could never think of doing that to a lady! But if that was true, why is his penis currently growing even harder from thinking about what was about to happen to the woman in that scene? Does this mean he's now a pervert? Jyuu's lip trembled; he didn't want to be a pervert!

He effected to take some deep calming breaths to try and will his now painful erection to go down, away, off - whatever. _Off?_ Shit, he was losing his grip on his senses already. Double shit, even if it was in his own head, he was cursing! Jyuu squeezed his eyes shut in a vain attempt to will back tears of frustration. When he was a boy he was warned about this, that sexual intercourse would rot his mind and lead him down a slippery slope of deviant behavior. He was going to wind up just like Shunsui – a lazy, drunken, skirt chaser who shirks off all his work on others. But Shunsui was his best friend, and he seems pretty happy with his life, so how bad can it be? He shook his head and tried to clear his thoughts. Things would be so much simpler if he hadn't been an emotional idiot and signed that contract…

Jyuu's mental tirade stopped as he opened his eyes and noticed they had just crossed the gates into the outer gardens of his division. He also came to the realization he was being dragged. And judging by the agitated reaitsu to his back, the person dragging him was none other than Nanao. Which just made his current predicament worse since she had probably witnessed the newfound depths of his depravity. He couldn't go into the division like this; he needed to collect himself first.

He reached up and grasped her wrist, "N-nanao! S-Stop please!"

Jyuu felt her release the back of his haori and slowly turned to face the inevitable while still holding his pillow strategically. A very irritated Nanao was standing in front of him, with her hand on her hip, as she adjusted her glasses with her mouth pulled downward into a frown. Actually, the lady in the fourth clip did some amazing things with her mouth. He wasn't sure how, but she could fit an entire…OH DEAR GODS! He should really head back to Ugendo and just commit seppuku now. It would be easier. His family would forgive him.

***SS***

Nanao stood in the thankfully deserted outer gardens of the Thirteenth division as she scrutinized the new "project" she had undertaken without thinking clearly. She was still pissed at her Captain for this mess, and would come up with a way to take him down a notch or two eventually. Maybe misplacing form 27-a and forgetting to tell him before his next meeting with the Captain Commander. Then he could have two broken legs. She sighed; he would just be twice as annoying if that happened. Plotting revenge was pointless until she could think without a veil of rage.

Mentally shaking her head to get back on track, she narrowed her eyes in thought at Captain Ukitake as he adjusted a pillow he was holding over his groin. A pillow that was probably covering a hard on…ugh. Seriously, why does all the weird nonsense always happen to her?

Sure, Ukitake was handsome, but says and does things without thinking first - like signing contracts, or watching porn in the Eighth's offices. She ground her teeth. He also acts like a child, and has a childlike glee about almost everything. Which is annoying. Very, very, annoying. Especially when her drunken idiot of a Captain does something beyond the pale of stupid, like bringing in donkeys from the real world. She knew that there was no way Captain Kyoraku would do something so asinine unless there was someone who thought it would be funny. And that someone currently was standing in front of her, hiding a boner behind an old throw pillow and he was…wait minute, is he staring at her chest?

"Ahem," Nanao crossed her arms over her breasts and glared at the captain, earning an involuntary squeak from the man as his eyes shot up to her face. "I told Captain Kyoraku that I would help you out." Upon seeing his shocked features, his mouth curving into his usual unthinking smile, she decided to clarify, "Not help you like that! You…you…pervert!"

Suddenly Ukitake's face flushed and he began choking. She was totally right; it was going to be one of those days.

***SS***

**_A/N: Reviews are wonderful. Even anonymous ones!_**


	7. Chapter 7

_**A/N:**__ Why hello there, it's been a while. I was unhappy with the way this chapter kept coming out, and I had a rabid plotbunny bite me when I was visiting my family a few weeks ago. The little bastard forced me to write "The Fall"._

_I would like to thank Brendabond beta-ing at the last second…and also for talking me out of deleting this chapter and rewriting it for the third time. In fact, you should thank her too. I do not own Bleach. _

_**Warnings:**__ Giant Rangiku boobz._

***SS***

Hooking her arm under a now wheezing Ukitake and guiding him over to a bench, Nanao thought over how she was going to exactly help the virginal Captain with his many, many, _many_, issues.

Perhaps calling him a pervert was a bit harsh since he seemed to be under duress about the whole debacle. After all, who knows how long he was in that office watching porn with the super deviant that was her own Captain. And considering what Kyoraku had proposed doing with his "education", Nanao wouldn't be the least bit surprised if Ukitake was there for hours whimpering on the couch. Looking back at the white haired man as he tried to compose himself, she figured that if she were still a virgin and reading smut for an extended period of time, she would be just as hot, bothered, and mortified, as he seemed to be.

While he was distracted, she successfully lifted the anger she had been feeling toward his best friend, and assessed the situation more clearly. Or rather, trying to take the man in front of her at face value. As she looked at his profile, she realized that saying he was handsome was an understatement - he was actually quite beautiful. Over the years, Nanao had not had many opportunities to speak to him unless it was about her Captain in some way. Looking for Kyoraku, dragging Kyoraku out of bars, saving Kyoraku's ass from the Captain Commander, etc. Good gods, both of their worlds revolved around that narcissistic idiot. Without a doubt, Captain Ukitake had been doing it for a lot longer than she had. Meaning she had to give him some kind of respect for that alone.

It seemed that he finally noticed her penetrating look, as he recoiled slightly as if he expected a verbal attack or to get hit with her fan. She sighed; it looked like she owed him an apology.

"Captain Ukitake, I'm sorry for calling you a pervert, it's an instinctive reaction from working with Captain Kyoraku for so long," She started, "You are not a degenerate; actually you are probably one of the only captains, well, other than Captain Kuchiki, that doesn't stare at my chest continually when I talk to them. I appreciate that. Well, actually I don't think Captain Hitsugaya means to stare at my chest, but he's so damn short…"

Wow. She really sucked at apologies. It was probably because she was rarely in a situation where she was apologizing for her own behavior. Usually it was because of something her Captain did. Captain Ukitake opened his mouth and looked like he wanted to say something, but she held up her hand to silence him.

"I don't know how aware you were back in that office, but Captain Kyoraku mentioned to me about your situation with your publisher, and I told him that I would like to help out. Although I'm not sure how just yet." She exhaled slowly and continued, "Just please do NOT ask him for any more advice. Ever. The man knows absolutely nothing about women or writing. You know how bad his articles in the Seireitei Communication are."

"They are pretty bad." He looked thoughtful, "Thank you Nanao, but why did you agree to do this?"

"Let's just say that I disagree with my Captain's ideas and leave it at that?" Mentioning the red light district would probably just upset him more. The poor man had been through enough today. She sat up straighter and adjusted her glasses, "There's also the fact that I think that the romance writing in Soul Society to be lacking, and it's my duty as the vice president of the Women's Association to correct that."

Jyuu had to chuckle, this situation was just too bizarre. "Uh huh, Shunsui came up with something over the top and uncalled for didn't he?"

Nanao visibly deflated, "That's an understatement."

***SS***

Jyuu really did not want to know what Shunsui was up to. It had to be something bad if it caused Nanao to not only to drag him halfway across Seireitei**, **but also to offer help with this issue. He knew that she was not in the habit of seeing men; Shunsui had made it his life's work to frighten off any potential suitors claiming they were not good enough. Thinking things over, he scowled internally, smelling a rat. Nanao might not have figured it out yet, but he had been hanging out with Shunsui for the better part of a millennia. There was no way that he would allow her to "help out" anyone if it involved anything sexual, written or otherwise.

His thoughts were interrupted as she sensed a familiar, and at the moment completely unwelcome, reiatsuapproaching. Rangiku Matsumoto. Oh dear gods, she was far too intense for him right now.

Sure enough, Rangiku appeared in the garden a second later grabbing Nanao from behind, and squashing her head into her large breasts. This caused Jyuu's brain to short circuit and his thoughts to head straight into the gutter.

How on earth did that woman manage to shunpo and bounce at the same time? Even more pressing, how does she keep her top on? Her breasts were enormous and barely restrained. They had to pop out at inopportune moments during battle. His brows rose; topless hollow eradication was kind of cool, but could be a deadly distraction for both allies and enemies. He's never fought with Rangiku in battle before, maybe it's one of her techniques? He blinked; what the hell is he thinking?

Shifting uncomfortably, he brought his attention back to the terribly arousing scene playing out in front of him. Absently he realized that if all his blood wasn't already pooled in his groin, he might have gotten a nosebleed like the characters in the manga he read.

"Argggh! Get off, Ran!" Nanao growled, pushing at Rangiku's breasts.

Rangiku laughed, releasing a flailing Nanao, and made to come over to give him a hug. He held up his hands, "I was just having an attack Rangiku. I'm not feeling too well, sorry!"

"Well, Shunsui promised he would buy me two rounds of drinks if I gave each of you a big hug while you were together! He said you both had a rough day. Want to come to the bar and drink with us?" Rangiku pouted and looped her arm around Nanao again, smiling at him and poking at her left boob for emphasis.

"No!" both Nanao and Jyuushiro shouted in unison.

It was then Jyuu decided that he was well overdue to take his leave and head back to his quarters. Standing in the middle of the Thirteenth's gardens sporting an erection with two attractive vice captains hugging was beginning to remind him of one of the clips. He could almost visualize them kissing and touching each other's…

Standing abruptly, he mumbled something incoherently about training to the two puzzled women before he quickly shunpo'd away.

***SS***


End file.
